


Honest to god

by MMXIII



Series: Brooklyn Boys [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America: The First Avenger, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Stucky - Freeform, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 14:48:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2072304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MMXIII/pseuds/MMXIII
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camp lights right up after the triumphant return of the 107th but Steve makes his excuses and leaves the rest of the men in the mess hall drinking and laughing it up; as soon as he sees Bucky disappear he knows something's up, and suddenly, just like that, he’s got some place else to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honest to god

**Author's Note:**

> This seemed like a good idea...

Camp lights right up after the triumphant return of the 107th but Steve makes his excuses and leaves the rest of the men in the mess hall drinking and laughing it up; as soon as he sees Bucky disappear he knows something's up, and suddenly, just like that, he’s got some place else to be.

Steve finds Bucky sat alone on his bunk with his head in his hands.

‘Hey’ he says, easing himself down onto the opposite bed. The metal frame whines alarmingly.

Bucky looks up at him hazily. ‘Captain America, huh?’ he says, inclining his head. He runs a shaky hand through his hair and Steve catches sight of a collection of strange-looking marks on his arm.

‘What you doing here, Steve? You should be out there…’ he says distractedly, gesticulating limply in the general direction of the door.

‘Lookin’ for my best guy is what’ says Steve reaching over to touch the side of Bucky’s face, the side that isn’t all cut-up, ‘he’s real handsome, you seen him?’

‘There’s no one here, Buck’, Steve adds softly as Bucky looks up reflexively to see if anyone’s around to see them.

‘Geez, I’m turning into you’, Bucky groans, shaking his head at the floor and digging the heel of his hand into his eye socket, ‘it’s like a horrible dream’.

Steve frowns before sliding off the bed and crouching down on the floor to unlace Bucky's boots. Bucky doesn’t really seem to notice, just keeps staring straight out over Steve’s head. Neither of them says anything as Steve pulls each boot off carefully and lines them up by the wall.

Bucky breathes out shakily when Steve presses a brief kiss against his knee.

‘I thought you were dead’, Steve says finally, looking up into Bucky’s dirty face.

Bucky hunches his shoulder and leans forward, staring resolutely at his feet.

‘Buck’ says Steve feeling a little sick at the expression on Bucky’s face, ‘look at m-’

‘I thought you were safe back home’. Bucky’s voice is hard, flat.

Steve feels something like guilt gnawing somewhere inside him.

‘Coulda died plenty a times lying in bed’

‘You _know_ what I mean, Steve’

Steve sighs and rubs his hand against Bucky's thigh.

'yeah...'

‘You gotta go, Steve' Bucky says, sounding half-way to desperate, 'this is hell. _Please go back_. It ain’t safe here’

 _Course it ain't safe_ , Steve thinks, _you're not safe here._

‘Not without you.’

‘ _Steve_ ’ Bucky groans, scowling fiercly right at him with something _wrong_ behind his eyes, 'get the hell up off the floor' he adds sharply, as if he's only just noticed.

Steve gets up and sits next to Bucky, sensing the need to drag him out of his head.

‘How’re you feeling?’

‘Got turfed outta medical’ Bucky says slowly after a pause like thinking’s difficult, ‘nothing wrong with me...’

Steve rubs slow circles into the back of Bucky’s neck with the side of his thumb, waits for him to go on.

Bucky looks down again and frowns.

‘I- I don’t feel right though. I don’t know’ Bucky rubs at his face absentmindedly, ‘I just… I don’t feel good…feel sorta cold…I don’t remember how long I was there. I don’t- I don’t remember…I-’

‘C’mere’

‘Hmm, what?’

‘C’mere’ Steve says, smiling softly.

‘ _What the hell, Steve_ , someone-’

‘I don’t care’

Bucky looks up at Steve so broken, so frayed around the edges.

‘I don’t care, Buck’ Steve repeats

Bucky stares at him hard before sighing sadly and leaning away from Steve, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing at his eyes.

‘Why don’t you go see what’s going on out there’ he says quietly , looking back at the floor, ‘Boy’s’ll be wondering where you are n I’m about ready to pass out anyway’

‘Can't, I'm s'posed to be right here', _there's something wrong, there's something wrong with Bucky._

Bucky makes an impatient noise in his throat.

‘Bucky come on’ Steve continues, attempting humour, ‘I missed your stupid face’

Bucky just looks pained.

‘Bucky, what happened, what’s-’

‘Done a lot of bad things, Steve’ Bucky says abruptly like he’s just remembered what he wanted to say all along, ‘I’m not- I’m not good anymore. I can feel the weight of it, you know, pressin’ down on me…’

‘Bucky, you’re a soldier, we all-’

Bucky gesticulates dismissively.

‘Lotta people dead, Steve. Lotta people dead ‘cause I killed ‘em’. Bucky’s looking at his hands and smiling sickly and there’s something cold creeping in Steve’s chest. ‘it’s real easy, you know, real easy. I’m good at it- I- you don’t think about it…And then _you_ show up n suddenly I’m thinkin’ about what you’re gonna say-’

But Steve can’t take any more of that so he ignores him and pushes against Bucky’s shoulder until he subsides onto the thin mattress. Steve looks down at him lying on his back, limp and lost-looking and exhausted, and realizes they’re miles and miles away from Brooklyn in more ways than one. Steve lies down too and Bucky sighs quietly when Steve slides an arm around him and pulls them together gently. Steve wonders if Bucky felt like this a lot, holding onto someone smaller than him and hoping to high heaven things were gonna be alright.

They lie there in silence just holding onto each other, breathing nice n slow. Steve thinks maybe Bucky’s fallen asleep when he starts up again.

‘I thought I was dead. When you- I thought I was dead…’

Steve presses his nose into the soft dark hair at Bucky’s nape and kisses the back of his head.

‘Maybe I am dead’ Bucky whispers sounding dazed

Steve tightens his arm around Bucky’s waist.

‘Easy Buck, we’re ok. I got you. We’re ok’. Which means a lotta things really.

Steve can just about make out some singing way off in the distance, some laughing.

‘I used to curl up around you, you remember? Bucky says suddenly, almost child-like, running his hand over Steve’s forearm, ‘you fit right up close to me. I can’t believe this’ he says softly, staring down at Steve’s broad hand, ‘I can't believe it. Its all backwards’

‘It’s a game-changer for sure' Steve says smiling faintly, 'now you know how nice it was for me’

Steve presses another kiss to the back of bucky’s neck. Bucky seems to think about this for a bit, breathing softer n softer.

‘I wish you were at home, Steve, 'nothin’ there anymore to go back to’

‘We’ll go back together’ Steve murmurs, trying to ignore the way Bucky sounds dazed out of his mind, '‘n I’ll look after you’

Bucky lets out a strange jarring laugh

‘You’ll look after me, huh?’

‘We’ll look after each other’ says Steve firmly, ‘we’ll get a house-’

‘A house…? Geez, Steve, we’ll never-’

‘We’ll get a house’ Steve continues thickly, ‘with a porch and a big ol’ yard so I can watch you cuttin’ the grass’

‘No grass in Brooklyn’ Bucky mumbles almost inaudibly. Steve smiles a little wider.

‘And we could dance in the front room’ Steve says gently into the damp skin at the base of Bucky’s neck, ‘with the drapes pulled right across so nobody’d ever know. Maybe you’d let me lead for a change’ he adds, smiling to himself, ‘how about it?’

‘Mmm’

‘Then maybe at weekends’ Steve goes on, ‘we could get outta dodge, go upstate, somewhere where there’s miles n miles of space. You could kiss me in broad daylight like you wanted. I'd like that…’

The sudden realization that Bucky’s crying stops Steve up short and makes his chest ache. Propping himself up on one elbow he smoothes Bucky’s hair away from his forehead and presses his mouth to his dirt-streaked cheek. Bucky rolls over so he’s facing Steve and presses himself right against Steve’s chest, hand fisted tightly into the back of Steve’s shirt, face tucked against his throat. Steve can feel him trembling, feel the wetness from his eyes.

‘I missed you, Buck’ Steve tells him hoarsely, because he needs him to know ‘couldn’t breathe with it sometimes, you not being there- seeing things and wanting to tell you about them.’ Steve gathers him up tight suddenly overwhelmed by how much he wishes they were somewhere else, _anywhere else_.

I-’

 

 

‘Good evening, gentlemen’

 

 

 

They both flinch at the sound and for a long three seconds Steve feels his ears burn as his brain whites out. Bucky goes stiff as a board but doesn’t move from where he’s lying against Steve – it’s far too late to pretend they were doing anything other than loving each other, lying together in an empty room, Steve holding him close. Only Steve looks up, face flushed.

 _Peggy_ , Steve thinks frantically, _oh god_

‘How long you been there?’ Bucky croaks dully from behind him, arm slung over his face to cover his eyes.

‘Not long-’, she says, professionally but not unkindly

‘Please-’ Steve starts, sitting up and placing a firm hand on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky’s so tired the force of it jolts right through him. ‘Please, Peggy, we don’t-’

‘-and I certainly didn’t see anything I’d feel the need to report to anyone’.

Steve just stares as Bucky looks up, eyes wide and red-rimmed.

 

‘I’m aware’ she continues smoothly, ‘that Sergeant Barnes has had a rather trying few days’

‘Yes’ Steve breathes after a beat, ‘yes he has’

‘And if I was so inclined I might add that one really ought to make the most of any light that comes one’s way amid all this unpleasantness, don’t you think?’

She smiles at them with a warmth that makes Steve's eyes sting.

‘Much obliged, Ma’am’ he says inclining his head, face unguarded and loose with relief.

Steve leans back against Bucky's side and feels Bucky's fingers slide slowly against his shirt..

 

‘Steve' she says, even softer, 'the colonel would like to see you in his office in five minutes’

‘Yes, Ma’am’ Steve murmurs, running a hand through his hair, 'of course'

He makes to get up but Peggy holds up her hand.

‘I’ll wait outside’ she says pointedly.

‘Ok..I- ok, ok…’

Peggy smiles to herself and steps back out into the corridor pulling the door to after her.

 

 'Jesus, Mary n Joseph’ Bucky looks up at the ceiling, 'She's somethin' else.You could marry a girl like that, Steve, and I’d only mind a little’

Steve’s still a little dazed and it takes him a moment to respond.

 

_She looked right at us and smiled._

 

‘Be dishonest to marry a lady if I’m thinking about you all the time’

Steve move his hand to cover Bucky’s where it’s resting loosely on his chest. Bucky slides their fingers together gently and tips his head back.

‘Worst thing in the world, is it? Dishonesty?’

‘No’ says Steve, pushing the hem of Bucky’s shirt up just enough for him to kiss the bare skin of Bucky’s stomach. He still smells like dirt and standing water and it's so good to see him Steve wouldn't know how to tell him if he tried. Bucky blinks slowly as Steve straightens up, keeping ahold of his hand.

‘Worst thing in the world is you looking at me like that’

‘Steve, you were all of four feet tall last time I saw you’ Bucky says, looking frustrated, 'cut a guy some slack'

‘I had to give it a shot, Buck’

‘Nothing wrong with the little guy’

‘ _Bucky’_

‘Did it hurt, what they did to you?’

‘Hm, Yeah’ Steve sighs, knowing there’s no point in lying, and wondering suddenly if Bucky’s thinking about being captured, ‘yeah it hurt a lot’

‘Is it permanent?’ 

‘So far’

‘Geez, Steve, anything coulda happened. You’re the biggest idiot in town’

Steve can't help ducking his head and laughing a little.

‘Your idiot though’

‘My idiot huh? Gee, lucky me’ Bucky groans, but he's smiling, warm and slow and right up in his eyes.

 _Thank god_ , thinks Steve, _thank all the sainted_ -

‘Still mad’ says Bucky, sounding like he's seconds away from falling asleep, 'but honest to god, Steve, I…'

‘I know, Buck’

‘Mmm’ Bucky smiles drowsily and turns his face into the blanket he’s balled up as a pillow. 

‘I gotta go alright. Be back later’

‘I’ll be… right here’ Bucky sighs.

 

‘Course you will’ he smiles as Bucky starts snoring

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you! :)


End file.
